Apologies

I am not against apologies. I am not against apologizing, and I don't think it makes me less of a man to offer apologies freely.

I just wish I didn't have to apologize so often.

I wish I didn't have reason to apologize, so often.

It doesn't feel like home

I am writing this from the guest bedroom at my sister's house in Mount Dora, Florida. I was born a half hour up highway 441 at LRMC . If you either cross or go around Lake Harris, I was raised in a town about a half hour from here called Yalaha. After my parents divorced, I lived in Fruitland Park, a town about 10 minutes north of the Hospital I was born in. I have friends that lived all over this area, and I can still give directions to most of their houses, by landmarks if not by road name. As I drive around pictures of the past come alive, and if someone is unfortunate enough to be sitting in the passanger seat I will ramble my way from story to story as I point at this or that, trying to keep the car out of the ditch. I know this place. I have history in this place, and whenever I refer to this place, I call it home.

This trip, as in every trip in the past, I drove a meandering loop around the places I grew up, remembering and reliving the pleasant and the painful, always smiling. But this trip is somehow different. There is an emptiness I feel. I wouldn't say I am depressed, but I feel a depression, the weight of a conspicuous absence.

I thought for awhile it had to do with not running into the people I used to know. I have a history of seeing people from Leesburg High School, or First Presbyterian Church. People who, whether they live here or not, find their way to the Oakwood Smokehouse at the same time I am craving a plate of honest to goodness southern bbq. But today I ran into someone I knew from high school, and the feeling didn't subside.

Then, I thought I was put off by all of the changes and growth in the area. The despoiling of the places of my youth and other such notions as this. But I realized today that with all that had changed, nothing was really very different.

The epiphany came tonight, as i was talking with my wife. I didn't purpose to say this, the thought hadn't crossed my mind, but truly James had it right when he said the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart. I said, "It doesn't feel like home, without you here."

There it is. Unexpected and unlooked for, "home" has been redefined.

I look forward to going home.

not really here

This week has been a hard one to get excited about being at work. Having Monday off and then heading out on vacation Friday has left me feeling disconnected and unmotivated. I know being unmotivated is my choice, but kinda feel like I am on a weekend between vacations.

I have been doing some rearranging of my blog to get more stuff up that I wanted to include one year (about 10 posts =/) ago. The big thing I wanted to have was a list of books I am currently reading, a list of books I have recently read, and a list of my favorite books of all time. I got a partial list of books I am currently reading (or are in my book pile) started and I just finished one of them, so now I have to start the new group I guess.

I have ben playing alot of Renaissance Kingdoms lately. The link is over to the right somewhere. I love free online video games, and when ifind one I particularily like I will contribute monetarily. Maybe that is silly of me, paying for something that is free, but I have made no claims about the absense of my silliness. Anyway, alot of the game is "played" in the forums. I have never been one to partake in lengthy forum discussions, but recently I have been enjoying it. It is an outlet for some of my creative juices, and the discussions I have participated in of late have been of import to me in real life.

There are a few people (probably only 2 individuals) trying to start a gnostic cult in game. What I have discovered is that if I were sitting across the table talking to these people face to face I wouldn't know what to say. The other thing that has been a challenge for me is that from the history of what these people do in the forums, it appears to me that they don't actually believe this stuff. What they want seems to be power (I know that sounds funny when talking about an online free video game). I guess that just seems so foriegn to me as the game is one where cooperation leads to more success. We aren't talking about Illuminati (the game by Steve Jackson), Settlers of Catan (one of the best games ever) or Catch Phrase (an annoying game everyone I know loves to play) where you win by yourself by going against other people. I am talking about a game with no winner. A game where by working together makes the game more enjoyable for everyone.

Harumph.

Long time, no thoughts

Or maybe too many thoughts. Or whatever.

Life pretty much rocks. I have a great wife. A baby boy, my first, on the way. I will be an uncle in August. studies are going well. Work doesn't suck. I just got back from a great vacation in Tahoe with my wife at our friends' house.

Kind of a snapshot.

I expect I will be posting a little more often. Not a new year's thing. Just been in the mood lately.

C.

poker and God

All in.

This term may evoke an emotional response. Maybe it won't.

All in means that I am betting everything I have. If I win, I win big. If I lose I am out of the game. There are times that "all in" is a smart call. There are times "all in" is a bad call. There are times when "all in" is the only call to make.

I was faced with just one of those situations a little while ago. I had been playing the game tight and aggressive. I would hold out until I had a good hand and bet aggressively to get the best return. Every once in while I would bet a long shot to throw off the people who were paying too much attention to what I was doing. But for the most part, I kept it tight.

After awhile I started getting bored, and started playing loose. I bet a lot of hands just because it went against reason. I picked up one or two pots, but lost a bundle. After losing for awhile I went back to playing tight again, just much less aggressively. I got good hands but after losing so often I didn't want to risk as much. I went as far as playing tight and passive. Which will lose me as much as playing loose and aggressive, but take longer.

The came "the hand".

The first two cards looked good. Not perfect, but given my position definitely raisable. So I raised.

When the flop fell, I had a really good hand. It wasn't exactly the flop I wanted. I had in mind what the perfect flop would have been, and this wasn't it. There were flops that would have suited me better. But as I looked down, I realized I didn't have many chips left. So I pushed what I had in front of me to the middle of the table, "I'm all in."

I don't know what the oucome will be. But I do know I had fewer chips than I thought I did, and continuing to play would have left me with nothing.

"All in", was the only call I could make.

Posting and Poetry

I always seemed to have alot to say when things were going poorly. When life is full of pain, the words flow. When life rocks, I don't have much to say.

Life pretty much rocks.

But I will writes stuff anyway. Just not right now.

C.

Tired of the lies

I think we've all been there. We've made the worst possible statement for the situation, hurt a friend, and feel like crap about it. I certainly have. But that's different. First, we didn't realize that it would be damaging. Second, we truly was sorry.

But what's with the passive aggresive namby pamby BS of saying something that is calculated to offend or cause harm and then fall back on "I didn't mean to offend you." or, "Not to be offensive, but..."

It's a bunch of crap.

Admit it. Admit that you were trying to be offensive. Admit that you intended harm. Or admit that you don't care whether or not what you said caused harm.

Don't hide behind the veil of civility.

Don't pee in someone's Wheaties and say, "Oops."

I am a little hot right now...