Tired of the lies

I think we've all been there. We've made the worst possible statement for the situation, hurt a friend, and feel like crap about it. I certainly have. But that's different. First, we didn't realize that it would be damaging. Second, we truly was sorry.

But what's with the passive aggresive namby pamby BS of saying something that is calculated to offend or cause harm and then fall back on "I didn't mean to offend you." or, "Not to be offensive, but..."

It's a bunch of crap.

Admit it. Admit that you were trying to be offensive. Admit that you intended harm. Or admit that you don't care whether or not what you said caused harm.

Don't hide behind the veil of civility.

Don't pee in someone's Wheaties and say, "Oops."

I am a little hot right now...

When did I become such an ass?

This last week has been the best week to not be near me. I blew up at a coworker in front of his class. I am stepping on toes left and right. My fuse is so short I wonder if there is a fuse at all.

I don't know where it's coming from. I don't know what the deal is.

Work pretty much sucks. I am in a class that is just dragging. I have never had much patience for things taking twice as long as they should to get done. Much less four to five times as long.

The work environment is what I would call hostile. I don't know if there is a fair and equitable work environment outside of a highschool kid's imagination, but this place is ridiculous. Inept and dangerous people are getting promoted. The people doing the right thing are held to different standards, getting ostricized and experiencing targetted retribution. I am not lumping myself in the group of people doing it right, but I am around it, and these are people I care about.

David crys out about this stuff all the time, but he always seems to get it right in the end. He says, "Life sucks. But you rock, God!"

I'm just not getting it right at the end. Or maybe I am not at the end yet.

Laziness is up. Lust is on the rise. I have an appointment with anger at 2:00. I haven't seen patience for awhile, maybe I never new him. I can't hear silence and I haven't been alone with solitude in quite some time.

I just want to cry. I don't know about what. I don't know why. But I hope it will make it better.

I know there is a purpose. I know there is a reason for me being here. That's why I haven't started looking for another job. But it is the only thing I know and it doesn't help with the pressure and the pain, it just keeps me sitting here in the middle of it.

Maybe I will go home and just cry this evening.

leet gaming skills

I spent the day yesterday telling stories, rolling dice and inhaling sweaty man air. I was at a local RPGA convention playing *gasp* Dungeons and Dragons. I had a lot of fun and got to chat with some people who, like me, have been out of the gaming scene for awhile.

After lunch, I sat down at a table with five other players for what is called a "Core Special" (CS). A CS is a module (short story) written by a someone to tax the abilities of the players. A normal module has a certain number of encounters (challenges) targeted for characters (imaginary personnas) of a given level (set of abilities). The CS turns it up a few notches. Thankfully, with increased difficulty come increased rewards.

As I was saying, I sat down at the table and there were four other people I had played with before. Two of which I hadn't played with in years. It was a cool time of reminiscing and catching up. Once the judge (story teller, referee) showed up we started playing.

Somewhere along the way we found ourselves facing a dragon. Which shouldn't be surprising given the name of the game and the level we were playing. But it was against the dragon that I fully realized something that had been bouncing around in my head for a little while. I have no idea what I am doing. Of course I had some idea, I delivered the blow that incapacitated the dragon and allowed us to triumph, but the face of the game had changed so much since I had played full time three years ago.

The rules have changed. The options have changed. The people have changed. The style has changed. The challenges have changed. On top of all that, I had forgotten a lot of the basics. I had become a liability. Bah.

You may know what I am talking about if there is something you used to be really good at and now, after a long hiatus, you pick it back up to realize you just aren't that good anymore. They say that once you've learned to ride a bike you never forget.

I agree, but that doesn't mean I am good at it anymore.